Sundays always just feel different. It's like the universe resets itself, and we naturally carry the tide as a part of it. I was at work today, talking about life and whatnot. I was talking about how when I graduated college I quit my job and explored myself for a while. I had wanted to be a writer but quickly after looking at my competition upon graduation I decided that I just wasn't good enough. The woman I was talking to said "so?". She was telling me to just keep sending my work everywhere until someone wanted it, but I just kept thinking of when I submitted things to Elite Daily and other outlets. I felt so torn up knowing that someone read what I wrote and didn't enjoy it, or even more probably didn't read it at all because I wasn't interesting enough upon first glance. I even thought about how I stopped my first blog (and the second.. again and again and again) because I thought nobody liked it. That's the honest reason, because I can find a million other excuses about how I'm busy or not at the level I want to be. In reality, you're never too busy for what you love.
In my Sunday thoughts I made a vow to reset myself. To rewire some things in my head, right some wrongs that I had habitually told myself everyday of my adult life. I've been thinking a lot lately about fear and how much it controls you. My boyfriend showed me something that's important and even though I understand it I still have had trouble overcoming it... that is that what you fear will come true. That's why you shouldn't fear anything. This is definitely a spiritual thought and belief for many but it's also as literal as it can get. For example;
I have two huge fears in life. The fear of not being good enough and also the fear that nobody in this world could ever love me. They become real because I am so fuckin' afraid of them being true. I'm afraid I'm not good enough, so I write a thousand essays. Hundreds of blog posts, Records fifty YouTube videos... edit, work, and code them all. Only to never post them ever. Because they're not good enough. No one's really going to like them. People deserve to read something better, see some better content. So you know what just became a truth? I'm not good enough because I don't even have a post to prove it! And my whole love fear, who knows where this even stems from because my parents love me when I'm drunk underage and vomiting on their bathroom floor... I'm afraid my friends don't really love me so when they innocently forget a little something it becomes a huge something in my head. Or me putting my boyfriend through rings to win a little bit of trust when he's just trying to be close to me. It's really all a personal battle of fear. In being so afraid of this, I end up pushing everyone away and making it nearly impossible to love me. Thank God my friends and boyfriend love me enough to help me love myself.
I say all out that to say this... this shit has to stop. It's such a setback. Everyday that I, and all of us, fear how great we could be is such a waste. It's even more upsetting when you're like me, 24 and well aware of your downfalls as a human. So why can't I just change it? Probably because I'm a little lazy and hard on myself, but whatever. Doesn't matter. In my Sunday spirit I promise to myself to shed my skin of fear, because it will do nothing but manifest itself as an obstacle in the road. Life is literally just my own little creation, so it needs to be pure pink with glitter and feathers. I guess I need to start doing more things that scare me, until nothing scares me. I hope someday everyday is as clear as Sunday.