I had to post this, I heard them perform this at Fader Fort during SXSW. I was already sold on Bibi at the beginning of her performance but this song is like 'scream at the top of your lungs when you're drunk with your friends'. I've been waiting to listen to it again since the first time I heard it. So I hope everyone enjoys it as much. I really can't wait to hear more of Bibi, her presence is amazing.
I grew up in a two bedroom, one bathroom, ally way kitchen, sunken living room apartment in Washington Heights. I had a white shag carpet that I used to lay on when life didn’t make sense from my bed. My dining room table saw all my birthday cakes, graduation dinners, and thanksgivings. I’d fall asleep soothed by my parent’s tv’s and my brothers excessive late night showers. I stained my wood floors with nail polish, paint, and hair dye. I stained that rug with liquor. I stained the walls with smoke, and if those walls could talk, they wouldn’t because they respect me and my privacy.
My parents moved out and moved on, and sometimes I find myself stuck. I come home and don’t really know where I am. It’s a room, it looks kind of like mine, this is my stuff, but it feels like nothing. Now I’m so sick of feeling like nothing. Of missing things I can never return to. I wish I could just knock on my old door and ask the new owners if I could lay on the floor one more time, if I could take a bath in my tub one more time, if I could sit on my bed with my friends one more time. I feel so far from home.
My Mom asked if I wanted to say ‘bye' to the apartment when we were moving I said ‘no'. I was so afraid of leaving, I didn’t want it to be real. I thought it would just stop. I didn’t want to see my room empty of all of the things that made me, me. But even as I write this I can blatantly read the word ‘things’. Just things. A room full of things. I’d like to believe I’m made up of more than things but those things can be so comforting, just like people can be too.
I’m trying my best to find a home within myself, within this body, within this mind and soul. I was thinking about the what I value in life and one thing that I value is home. Everything about home. Home. If you say it it soothes you. I want my family, friends, and boyfriend to always find home in me. I want to see my home in their smiles. I want to be laying in the grass and hear home in the breeze. I want to eat pasta and taste home, I want it to take me to my grandma. I need to stop letting the fear of change tarnish my present. When I was little, I was afraid to get new stuffed animals because I didn’t want my old ones to feel unloved but making new memories will never devalue the old ones. We have our own word for the beauty of our rose colored memories, nostalgia. I don’t want to live there but sometimes I can visit. I want to visit it with smiles, I want my nostalgia to be like Disney World. I’ve loved my life so much that I want to relive things, and that is something I’m thankful for even though I’m trying to learn how to let go and let on. You can never go back but you can always go home and at the end of everyday, I just want to be back home.
Sundays always just feel different. It's like the universe resets itself, and we naturally carry the tide as a part of it. I was at work today, talking about life and whatnot. I was talking about how when I graduated college I quit my job and explored myself for a while. I had wanted to be a writer but quickly after looking at my competition upon graduation I decided that I just wasn't good enough. The woman I was talking to said "so?". She was telling me to just keep sending my work everywhere until someone wanted it, but I just kept thinking of when I submitted things to Elite Daily and other outlets. I felt so torn up knowing that someone read what I wrote and didn't enjoy it, or even more probably didn't read it at all because I wasn't interesting enough upon first glance. I even thought about how I stopped my first blog (and the second.. again and again and again) because I thought nobody liked it. That's the honest reason, because I can find a million other excuses about how I'm busy or not at the level I want to be. In reality, you're never too busy for what you love.
In my Sunday thoughts I made a vow to reset myself. To rewire some things in my head, right some wrongs that I had habitually told myself everyday of my adult life. I've been thinking a lot lately about fear and how much it controls you. My boyfriend showed me something that's important and even though I understand it I still have had trouble overcoming it... that is that what you fear will come true. That's why you shouldn't fear anything. This is definitely a spiritual thought and belief for many but it's also as literal as it can get. For example;
I have two huge fears in life. The fear of not being good enough and also the fear that nobody in this world could ever love me. They become real because I am so fuckin' afraid of them being true. I'm afraid I'm not good enough, so I write a thousand essays. Hundreds of blog posts, Records fifty YouTube videos... edit, work, and code them all. Only to never post them ever. Because they're not good enough. No one's really going to like them. People deserve to read something better, see some better content. So you know what just became a truth? I'm not good enough because I don't even have a post to prove it! And my whole love fear, who knows where this even stems from because my parents love me when I'm drunk underage and vomiting on their bathroom floor... I'm afraid my friends don't really love me so when they innocently forget a little something it becomes a huge something in my head. Or me putting my boyfriend through rings to win a little bit of trust when he's just trying to be close to me. It's really all a personal battle of fear. In being so afraid of this, I end up pushing everyone away and making it nearly impossible to love me. Thank God my friends and boyfriend love me enough to help me love myself.
I say all out that to say this... this shit has to stop. It's such a setback. Everyday that I, and all of us, fear how great we could be is such a waste. It's even more upsetting when you're like me, 24 and well aware of your downfalls as a human. So why can't I just change it? Probably because I'm a little lazy and hard on myself, but whatever. Doesn't matter. In my Sunday spirit I promise to myself to shed my skin of fear, because it will do nothing but manifest itself as an obstacle in the road. Life is literally just my own little creation, so it needs to be pure pink with glitter and feathers. I guess I need to start doing more things that scare me, until nothing scares me. I hope someday everyday is as clear as Sunday.
“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity.”
Incase you don't follow my YouTube account, here's one of my Halloween tutorials.
So excited to see what everyone dresses up as this year, enjoy!