I spoke to my boyfriend this morning, like any other morning. Talking about how we slept, the dreams we had, anything we felt at that moment. He had went out the night before, so he was telling me about his night. I listened, laughed with him, said “fuck that guy” with him, and enjoyed the recap of his night. Afterwards, he asked me why my face was a little off… I told him I felt this weird tinge of jealousy but I really didn’t know why because I know my boyfriend well, and I trust him so honestly. He reassured me not to listen to negative thoughts and we were on our way with the day.
I kept thinking about things though. Not that I felt jealous, because deep down I really didn’t. What’s more interesting to me is that something in me tells me that I should be jealous. Why is this stupid little thought telling me that? I know what I know and what I feel to be right, so why does that thought even enter my head? It’s like I’ve seen so many reality TV shows, movies, heard so many songs that something in me says ‘no, relationships can’t be this easy’. They can though, and as soon as I said fuck that stupid voice, it became easier.
My boyfriend is my best friend, I know, simple. But he’s the one who I can bounce all of my ideas off of, he will always call me on my shit, and he will always help me clean it up. Figurative shit, not literal shit, even though he’d help me clean that up too. Anyways, I could sit and write about how much I love my boyfriend forever. If you ever saw the notes on my iPhone, you’d see that I practically do just that. This thought kept wrestling around in my mind because it married two ideas that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, and that have brought me a lot of peace. I’ve wanted to follow my creativity a lot more but find myself preoccupied by simple, unimportant thoughts which lead to distractions... like this unimportant facade of jealousy which was distracting me from my relationship.
My first conclusion, to clearing your mind, is to realize that there is an immense difference between your thoughts and your beliefs. I have anxiety, we all do to a certain degree. When I get an anxiety attack I cannot, cannot control my thoughts. I keep digging into them and it just gets to me. Lately, I’ve been practicing reassuring myself that I do not believe this thought. For example: I’m afraid of heights. I’m afraid that if I’m on a roof I’m just magically going to fall somehow, like I’m going to blink and just be falling. I don’t know. I know that that’s very irrational, because I am in control of my own body. So, if I’m on a balcony all I’d have to do is remind myself that I am safe, I cannot magically fall, etc. etc. etc. Sometimes thoughts are going to pop into my head, but it’s up to my mind to say no, not today toots.
Aside from anxiety, this has become a really good trick just to find the root of my opinion. Why am I thinking this? Where did this thought come from? Does this thought bring me peace? Does it bring me joy? If not, bye I don’t agree with you.
Enough with my weird rant about thinking and thoughts and whatever. This is the other point that was married by my weird jealousy of my boyfriend having fun. Just read this:
"Don’t Take Anything Personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” -The Four Agreements
This isn’t said to say that no one cares about you, because they do. However, when you make decisions ultimately, it is from your point of view because that is the only one that you will ever 100% understand. You might feel like you know how someone else thinks, but lets just state the obvious; you only know how to be you. So always know that people are only making decisions to the best of their own knowledge, they don’t know every single thing that is going to make you feel every little way. Also, sometimes people have to do what is going to best benefit them in that situation and that is completely OK, usually. This has been a great way of thinking that has taught me better how to fully love people unconditionally, for who they are. To love people for who they are and not what they do, because the day to day life is forever changing. You have to love people for the way they see the world, and the joy that they bring into life.
Both of these things have really whipped away the foliage of my thoughts. Allowed me to see all situations with clear eyes. People honestly are not always out of their way to hurt you, and it’s completely ok to trust people completely when you become that comfortable with them. I think for me, my relationship has just shown me how much I’ve been taught to be afraid of being in one… but that’s not okay with me, and it is not an idea that I agree with. In finding this, I’ve really been finding my voice in other ideas a lot more. It’s silly, how much thought I’ve been putting into thinking lately but you brain needs to be worked and exercised and trained. If you let negative thoughts run rampant in your mind they will consume your life, and I’m not standing for that. So I hope anyone who’s read this whole damn thing, finds a little bit of peace from it. Also, feel free to correct any of my typos.