I was on a TV show, fun to discuss if you’re not me. Fun to find out when you work with me, “why didn’t you tell us?!”. Fun to ask if you recognize me, on the train, at a party, in a job interview. I don’t find it half as fun. I value privacy, even though I’ve learned there’s this amazing curtain of fake privacy but that’s a whole other topic. I guess I will give my thoughts on why this experience has made me a somewhat more cynical person. First and foremost, simple as can be, people are fucking mean. People are so mean. People are even more mean when they think you aren’t going to hear what they say, or see what they write. I read a headline from a large creditable news reporter stating that nobody on the show was doing a thing for themselves, nor were they in college, and thus: the show was a horrible negative representation of youth. Know where I read that? On the train to my 8am class, junior year of college. I learned that not everyone was how I once was, looking for the positives. In fact, most people will focus so vividly on the negative that they develop histrionics. (I learned that word from a song I loved in high school by the same name, look it up it’s great.)
Anyways. For months, and even until this day people will mock me, belittle me, and the things I did or didn’t do. They will undermine my accomplishments (of being on a TV show) with the fact that there was only one season. Because climbing Mount Everest wasn’t enough, I had to dance up there and withstand the ice. While the show was one people I know would talk about me and my life as if it wasn’t something that was actually happening and affecting me. They’d ask me the most personal questions like it wouldn’t hurt me a little. Not that I am at all a celebrity, but just so that people know, nobody, no matter what their status is, owes you an explanation for everything they do. Or everything they’ve felt. Why don’t people take sharing as a gift? You are lucky that your favorite celebrity wants to be open with you, you do not deserve it.
I just really learned, after being in the public eye, that people don’t want to like you. They want to reflect their own insecurities on you and pick you a part and eat you alive. I don’t want to think of people like that, constantly judging, ready to persecute you. But I do. People scare the fuck out of me. I take everything personal now. And it’s what I’ve had to work on the most not to do in the years following this event.
The worst part of it all is I don’t feel like I can be completely proud of myself and the things I’ve done and the people I’ve actually connected with because there are groups of people out there ready to hurt me. That kills me even more because it’s like look at this amazing thing that people would kill for, and I’m ashamed to even talk about it. My Mom tells me all the time “when you were younger you did everything you wanted to do, you didn’t care about opinions” and my boyfriend rants about how talented I am but I don’t display it. And I guess the honest truth is I’ve been weighed down by caring so deeply by people’s opinions because I’ve seen how nasty people get when they’re on the hunt to hurt you.
I’m sorry “people”, you’re not all that nasty. I know. I love some people. But when you have 5 people shouting their opinion at you, and two people are negative, two are positive, and one is “just saying”: the last one falls into the realm of negativity. I think that’s something that most don’t understand either. I still have to remind myself too, I’ve fallen into the same trap. When on social media, in a sea of negativity, if you state an opinion that is not positive it will just be lumped with negativity. There’s no playing the fence. It’s either “this is good” or “this is bad”, if you say “this is ok”… it’s bad.
Whatever. I’m not even going to re-read this. I was very emotional at the beginning and now I’ve seemed to calm myself down so I hope that some kind of peace coming to me for getting this out of my soul. I’m over being afraid of people and how they might hurt. I guess I’m vowing to myself to let it go and move on. To be happy and young again, as usual.
I didn’t spell check this. Or edit it. So, I apologize in advance.